Pissed...

Hello everybody..its been a while since I last wrote something here and I guess its time to put up something for someone to read...

Well right now I'm at the University pretending to be studying. I'm not online right now cuz I don't know where the Wi-Fi is -if the wi-fi even exists, that is. So I'm writing this in Notepad. I'm also not in a classroom, I'm parked in my car. I haven't gone to classes because I don't want to study this. My parents know that I want to leave to study something elsewhere, but they don't know that I'm skipping classes...They'll find out soon enough.

Right now I'm in a very common state: somewhat really really pissed off. I really don't know why I'm pissed off. I'm just pissed off.

Maybe its cause is close to being something like my parents allowing me to go study elsewhere but not helping me. It may be near the fact that I shouldn't have to pretend that I'm going to classes if I don't want to study this...I have a friend that wanted to study some Design, but he didn't like it, so he left right there, he left officially the school, and he's been almost a year without doing anything with his life...He still doesn't know what design to choose, but its okay. Me on the other hand already found what I really wanted (my dream career after acting) but I still have to go to class and pretend I'm happy with that!

I would understand if this was a private university and my dad was paying a lot for this, but its not, its a public university which means that I only have to pay around 65.000Bs. (or 65 Bs.F.) which is about 10-20 dollars a year! That plus the materials I need of course, which have been, up til now, a textbook two guides made by the university three notebooks and a pencil. And okay, this place where I want to go is a private university/college/institute in the U.S. so yes it WILL make a huge difference, but its still only 21 months of classes, so it is still cheaper than a normal college, and the price includes everything, even the tool I'll need to go through classes and to start my career: a super laptop with all the software already installed!

And it is ranked within the 3 best schools for entertainment careers. SO what's wrong? I know that its not easy with all the immigration stuff and all that, but many of my friends went to good schools over there without much trouble. Why can't I? My dad doesn't lack the money. He realized it was a safe investment. He knows that it is what I want (and he told me: if thats really what you want...). He's a lawyer so he can sort any legal problems with ease. Venezuela is going down and it isn't a bad idea to bail (although thas not what I want to do...). So, why is it so hard??? What is so wrong about it???

And why do I have to keep on pretendig that I'm in class? Why should I be in a classroom in which I dostupin't want to be? SCHOOL IS OVER, THIS HERE IS MY REAL FUTURE. I HAVE ALREADY PROVEN MY POINT THAT SCHOOL IS WORTHLESS AND THAT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HAS THE POWER TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT.

HAVING BARELY PASSED SCHOOL I GOT INTO THE BEST DAMN UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY. AND I DIDN'T REALLY STUDY THAT HARD! I'M AN F*ING GENIUS, AND I HAVE A LOT OF TALENT.

I HAD TALENT TO ACT, BUT MY DAD WOULDN'T HAVE IT, I HAVE THE BRAINS TO DO WHAT I WANT IN LIFE AND MY DAD WON'T HAVE IT EITHER??? WTF???

...

Yeah, thats probably why I'm pissed.

And the fact that my ex-girlfriend that is still a pretty good friend of mine...well she was a pretty good friend...that's the problem, she isn't anymore. And I have no idea about what's wrong. I haven't mistreated her, hell I treat her as best as I can. I care for her, I'm always there when she needs me, I always do as she asks...

Maybe that's just it, you know? I'm being excessively stpid about her and with her, and that's got me on the losing side again. Maybe its my intuition telling me to get away for a while. Maybe thats why the song playing on the cd in the car is "Don't know what you've got till its gone" by Cinderella...

I once promised to myself that I wouldn't suffer anymore for anyone. It was when we started dating, right after my emotional crash with my ex-ex-gf.

I remember I took Robbie Williams literally. In his song "Feel". Right where it says: "Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her."

So I did.

I always reminded myself not too attached because it wouldn't last forever.

It worked, not that great, but it did.

Guess the Jedi are kinda wise not to love. Hmmm... Yeah, actually they are really wise, I should write something on that...

But, going back to my origianl rambling...

When I realized that we couldn't be together anymore, cus we were harming each other I decided to break up. Didn't work that well cus about a couple of days later we were back together.

So after a month I would try again. Unsuccesfully, again.

So I tried a couple times more and she was really tired of this "game" so I decided that it should be then or never at all.

Man was it hard.

But I made it.

However I now realize that we never really broke up. We're still tied together. Or thats how it seemed until now.

Sometimes, I just wish some guy would, you know, take her away.

That way she would be happy and I would be alone.

She wouldn't miss me. It wouldn't hurt her.

As long as its a good guy. I would never let her with some guy that would harm her more than I have.

...I know she would not do the same for me...Which means that she is really lucky, isn't she? After all, how many ex's take that much care and attention?

I'm afraid I'm the only moron.

And I'm not even sure if it will grant me a pass to heaven, but I don't care. I don't 'buy' that kind of stuff.

...I wish I could find someone like me. But I'm alone.

I've found honest men, I've found gentle men, I've found intelligent men, I've found careful men, and I've also found something between a man and a sexual monkey that's pretty disgusting actually.

But the honest man lacked that rogue side, the gentle man lacked the ingelligence, the intelligent lacked the wiseness, and the careful men were too careful and delicate.

I still haven't found a really gentle person with guts and brain. Someone that can truly love a person, and do at least a 180° in a car. Someone that is wise enough to know when to be gentle and when to be rough. Someone that knows how to whisper in your ear. And what to whisper. Someone that knows how to hold you. Someone that doesn't have to go: what's wrong? All the time.

...And I've never actually found someone that looked good either.

People usually treat me as a kid, because they can't see my soul.

A lot of men treat me like a condom: open, use, cum all over, and throw in the trash.

It's not easy.

'Happiness is so hard to find, not even the richest kings can buy it.' -Me