A little about myself...(actually a lot hehe :) )

Hi there!
Well today's -tonight's- post won't be long, I'll try to use as few words as I can to try to describe myself. -Knowing me, this will be really long hehe.
Okay so -its always tough to start talking, but afterwards there's just no stopping- ummm, well. At the moment I am a man. An eighteen year old dude that still doesn't know what to do with his life but has finally figured some stuff out. Mostly by myself, I'm accustomed to being alone since I've never been the social kind much less the hot-shot kind of person. Since I was very little I've liked to try some of my mom's clothes.
I've always been on my own, figuring stuff out without much help. Figuring out only what I wanted to figure out, hardly ever what my parents or anyone else wanted me to. So when I was a bit older, I discovered sex on my own. I found out how to masturbate on my own -yeah I know, its terrible, but hey! I'm not the only one and you know it- and little time later, overhearing a conversation, I found out that I had made it the right way. I felt so proud!
Anyway, I really liked this sex thing so I started investigating it, so I went through sex manuals, stories, some porn -still not the only one- (I really enjoyed lesbian porn, I always wanted to be one of the girls, never imagined I'd probably end up being a lesbian myself!). I even investigated about sex toys and stuff like that.
I still was kinda anti-social, sure I had my friends, but I felt insecure with new people or with "cool" people, and I still feel uncomfortable amongst crowds. I think its because I'm a girl, and even though I grew up like a man, I still don't know how to live like one. But at the time I still never had a girlfriend, and I really wasn't even close to having one until I was about 15 I think. Suddenly this girl pops in my messenger and we started chatting, I was really inmature and she enjoyed it, so we kept talking day after day. Soon we started liking each other even though we had never met each other in person. It was a weird relationship. She was younger than me. And she did me so wrong, its embarassing for me to tell the whole tale. But whatever, the important part was that at the age of 16 I had finally gotten laid. I was the first one of my friends to get laid. But she and I had many problems, and we broke up many times. When we were going to get back together for good, some little black friend of hers was hitting on her (I have nothing against black people, its just that it was his nickname 'el negro') and she kinda liked that, so it was kinda troubled. We were gonna get back together in this sweet 15 whatever year party but it went bad, real bad-I'll try to tell that story in my next post cus I loooove telling it- but I met this new girl, she helped me forget about my ex and we have been together ever since. Trouble with my ex didn't stop there but thats another story.
With my new girlfriend everything's gone great, except for the fact that we broke up not long ago because I found out that I wasn't sure about anything! And I'd rather not be with the girl I love instead of giving her something that wasn't the real me. I know she loves me back, but she isn't ready yet.
Yes, we had sex. Yes, it was great.
So that has been my love life. I've tried to be with some guys but I think I'm not that much into guys. Specially after the many setdowns I've had with them. You know, a lot of guys are dicks, specially when you are looking for guys that are into transgendered people. Most of the guys I've met are really empty-minded, and 90% of them are just in for quick sex.
I believe that when you look for a pre-op transsexual, you are looking for her penis even though you want to be the one on top. But there was this one guy that wanted me to hide it all...I mean...Gee, find yourself a real woman!
Its really depressing. I'm already lonely, I don't need these sex-starved bastards on me!
Well, I'm not completely lonely. I have a girl friend that finds it cool and interesting to have a transgendered friend. But I can't talk about this all the time. She's my friend, not my psychiatrist. We like to have fun, not express how we feel every second of our lives. Plus I can't always be femenine, even with her.
-I just found out that there are 2 guys in my trans msn messenger account to whom I can talk normally...well apparently I can. I just realized right now. But who knows, odds are in three days at least one of them will want to get a room with me.-
But well, thats me.
I've collected some lingerie over the time -I've bought it myself, it was so embarassing but yet so fun!- and I'm starting to by 'real' clothes -you know, to go out as a girl- but those are more difficult to buy -money- and to hide -cus nobody (only that friend) knows about me, I'll cover that in another future post.
I've also bought some makeup, but so far I suck at applying it hehe. But it just takes some practice, doesn't it?
Once a guy told me that he had waited a long time to find me -a transvestite- and that he had bought several wigs for that person -which would be me. But I don't intend to use wigs, so I'm letting my hair grow. It is fairly long now.
I'd love to post some pics, but I really want to look and have that femenine feel, you know?
I have this little secret...I watch some shemale porn. Not for the porn -at least not always (I dig shemales too...I dig anything femenine, I think -Yes!I know I'm weird!...but I've seen worse) but to see the real femenine ones, the really beautiful and passable ones, to try and figure out-on my own-how they made it. I've fallen in love with Bianca Freire, and I want to be like her. She's the type of transgender that you would never know until you saw her naked. And thats how I want to be. Beautiful of face (face is the most important thing for me) and a gorgeous body, and a voice that won't give her away (at least from what I've heard of her voice).
But this is getting too long, so I'll have to finish this in another post!
Haha! Its three posts that I've promised so far! But don't worry, when I do something I really like, I deliver!
So, see you soon! And thanks for reading me!