I used to be a Goddess

Then Hell Broke Loose.

Well, not really...I'll really try to keep this one short. I promise.
I just got really depressed a while ago. And then I took a shower and I realized...

You know when your life is going great but then, all of a sudden, stuff takes a turn for the worse?
Just happened.


I've been having a ball recently, because even though I have many problems, In my happy life (Note: it is not a euphemism for 'gay') I was having a lot of fun. It was going great. My psychic abilities were reaching this nice height, my social skills too.
But then WHAM! It just got fucked up right before my eyes.
One second I was happy, the next I'm having this depression.
I just realized how lonely I really am.
I've always been lonely. But I felt like I was important to people.
It's not that I'm not important to anyone. It's just that, hell, I have no one to love, no one to love me back.
...I have no one to tell these things...No one that I can really be free with. No one that will love me just the way I am.
That's the bad part about being me. I'll always be there for everyone, no matter what. But no one will be there for me no matter what.
Perhaps my parents. They will support me, however they will not be there with me.
There is no one I can call crying just as I am right now.
It just sucks.
They way you come from having everything to having nothing at all.
They way you fall from heaven straight into hell without getting your phone call.

I talked with God in the shower. He offered me his help, I had to reject it because it's not right, he already helped me once a long time ago and look what I have done with that help! He's helped me more than enough and I haven't helped him that much. Plus he has a lot of people to help, so I was kinda sacrificing myself.
But we just kept talking a bit the way we usually do (yes, I talk with God. For Real. Honest.). And he managed to help me again...He helped me realize that life is a learning experience.
Life is a constant fight between dualities: white and black, good and evil, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee (this last one is a joke).
There can't be good without bad and vice versa.
And he told me that I just had to learn how to overcome this stuff. "After all, it's not easy to be happy," he reminded me.
I'm so thankful I can talk to him, so thankful that he lives in me.
Otherwise I would probably be a suicidal emo person.
And no, I'm not a freak, all you have to do is listen real close to your true self, then, if you are really careful and honest, you will listen to him speaking through you.
Note: I was raised Catholic, but I have developed my own religion. And I never go to church because I can't stand that huge mass of hypocrites. Men and women that go to church and pray in vain, and as soon as they get out they forget about God and show their true colors.

But I promised I'll keep it short and I'm gonna fulfill that promise.
Life is just a learning experience. When you learn all your lessons, you will be truly free.
And then and only then will you be truly happy.

PS: I'm still kinda crying but I guess I'll be alright. I've always been a lone wolf after all.

Pissed...

Hello everybody..its been a while since I last wrote something here and I guess its time to put up something for someone to read...

Well right now I'm at the University pretending to be studying. I'm not online right now cuz I don't know where the Wi-Fi is -if the wi-fi even exists, that is. So I'm writing this in Notepad. I'm also not in a classroom, I'm parked in my car. I haven't gone to classes because I don't want to study this. My parents know that I want to leave to study something elsewhere, but they don't know that I'm skipping classes...They'll find out soon enough.

Right now I'm in a very common state: somewhat really really pissed off. I really don't know why I'm pissed off. I'm just pissed off.

Maybe its cause is close to being something like my parents allowing me to go study elsewhere but not helping me. It may be near the fact that I shouldn't have to pretend that I'm going to classes if I don't want to study this...I have a friend that wanted to study some Design, but he didn't like it, so he left right there, he left officially the school, and he's been almost a year without doing anything with his life...He still doesn't know what design to choose, but its okay. Me on the other hand already found what I really wanted (my dream career after acting) but I still have to go to class and pretend I'm happy with that!

I would understand if this was a private university and my dad was paying a lot for this, but its not, its a public university which means that I only have to pay around 65.000Bs. (or 65 Bs.F.) which is about 10-20 dollars a year! That plus the materials I need of course, which have been, up til now, a textbook two guides made by the university three notebooks and a pencil. And okay, this place where I want to go is a private university/college/institute in the U.S. so yes it WILL make a huge difference, but its still only 21 months of classes, so it is still cheaper than a normal college, and the price includes everything, even the tool I'll need to go through classes and to start my career: a super laptop with all the software already installed!

And it is ranked within the 3 best schools for entertainment careers. SO what's wrong? I know that its not easy with all the immigration stuff and all that, but many of my friends went to good schools over there without much trouble. Why can't I? My dad doesn't lack the money. He realized it was a safe investment. He knows that it is what I want (and he told me: if thats really what you want...). He's a lawyer so he can sort any legal problems with ease. Venezuela is going down and it isn't a bad idea to bail (although thas not what I want to do...). So, why is it so hard??? What is so wrong about it???

And why do I have to keep on pretendig that I'm in class? Why should I be in a classroom in which I dostupin't want to be? SCHOOL IS OVER, THIS HERE IS MY REAL FUTURE. I HAVE ALREADY PROVEN MY POINT THAT SCHOOL IS WORTHLESS AND THAT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HAS THE POWER TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT.

HAVING BARELY PASSED SCHOOL I GOT INTO THE BEST DAMN UNIVERSITY IN THE COUNTRY. AND I DIDN'T REALLY STUDY THAT HARD! I'M AN F*ING GENIUS, AND I HAVE A LOT OF TALENT.

I HAD TALENT TO ACT, BUT MY DAD WOULDN'T HAVE IT, I HAVE THE BRAINS TO DO WHAT I WANT IN LIFE AND MY DAD WON'T HAVE IT EITHER??? WTF???

...

Yeah, thats probably why I'm pissed.

And the fact that my ex-girlfriend that is still a pretty good friend of mine...well she was a pretty good friend...that's the problem, she isn't anymore. And I have no idea about what's wrong. I haven't mistreated her, hell I treat her as best as I can. I care for her, I'm always there when she needs me, I always do as she asks...

Maybe that's just it, you know? I'm being excessively stpid about her and with her, and that's got me on the losing side again. Maybe its my intuition telling me to get away for a while. Maybe thats why the song playing on the cd in the car is "Don't know what you've got till its gone" by Cinderella...

I once promised to myself that I wouldn't suffer anymore for anyone. It was when we started dating, right after my emotional crash with my ex-ex-gf.

I remember I took Robbie Williams literally. In his song "Feel". Right where it says: "Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her."

So I did.

I always reminded myself not too attached because it wouldn't last forever.

It worked, not that great, but it did.

Guess the Jedi are kinda wise not to love. Hmmm... Yeah, actually they are really wise, I should write something on that...

But, going back to my origianl rambling...

When I realized that we couldn't be together anymore, cus we were harming each other I decided to break up. Didn't work that well cus about a couple of days later we were back together.

So after a month I would try again. Unsuccesfully, again.

So I tried a couple times more and she was really tired of this "game" so I decided that it should be then or never at all.

Man was it hard.

But I made it.

However I now realize that we never really broke up. We're still tied together. Or thats how it seemed until now.

Sometimes, I just wish some guy would, you know, take her away.

That way she would be happy and I would be alone.

She wouldn't miss me. It wouldn't hurt her.

As long as its a good guy. I would never let her with some guy that would harm her more than I have.

...I know she would not do the same for me...Which means that she is really lucky, isn't she? After all, how many ex's take that much care and attention?

I'm afraid I'm the only moron.

And I'm not even sure if it will grant me a pass to heaven, but I don't care. I don't 'buy' that kind of stuff.

...I wish I could find someone like me. But I'm alone.

I've found honest men, I've found gentle men, I've found intelligent men, I've found careful men, and I've also found something between a man and a sexual monkey that's pretty disgusting actually.

But the honest man lacked that rogue side, the gentle man lacked the ingelligence, the intelligent lacked the wiseness, and the careful men were too careful and delicate.

I still haven't found a really gentle person with guts and brain. Someone that can truly love a person, and do at least a 180° in a car. Someone that is wise enough to know when to be gentle and when to be rough. Someone that knows how to whisper in your ear. And what to whisper. Someone that knows how to hold you. Someone that doesn't have to go: what's wrong? All the time.

...And I've never actually found someone that looked good either.

People usually treat me as a kid, because they can't see my soul.

A lot of men treat me like a condom: open, use, cum all over, and throw in the trash.

It's not easy.

'Happiness is so hard to find, not even the richest kings can buy it.' -Me

A little more about myself!

Hello again!
So, I've already talked about my past. I've talked a bit about men. I've talked a bit of my progress and my goals. So I guess I'll talk about the other side of me (the not so sexually-oriented side...you know, the day-to-day casual me).

So.......Well...where to start?...
okay, I think I got something.
Yup, I guess I'll start by talking about what I like to do. And that is...waste my time, basically.
I'm a really complex person -not complicated...complicated sounds bad- I like different things depending on...the moon I guess! I really don't know what I'm dependant on. But sometimes I feel great, and at some point, every month, I become kinda bipolar and I get pissed off really easy. But I'm really a nice person, that kind of nice person that are too damn nice for this world, and we don't fit in. But whatever, thats another story. What I'm trying to say is that I am easy-going and therefore enjoy different things depending on how I'm feeling. I love to go to the movies, get together with my friends, drink with my friends (down here in Venezuela legal drinking age is 18). I only enjoy the beach when it is with my friends because we can go on our own terms and we don't spend that much time at the beach, which is fine for me -I hate the beach, I hate sand, I hate the intense heat and sun, and most of all I hate how salt water makes you sticky! But I'd rather be in a cold place. I love snow. I love skiing and I love snowboarding...its just so awesome and cool the way you just surf the snow, and how the snow flies on your trail, and how the snowboard just cuts through the powder, and how sometimes you can't see sh*t but you can still keep on going!
Plus, snow is just beautiful, almost as beautiful as the mountains and trees covered with it.
And it is that with which you can have endless fun and eat/drink it at the same time!
...
I also love video games. God, I live for video games! First-Person Shooters and Role-Playing Games (FPS & RPGs) are my favorite games. I loved the Battlefield series until BF 2, cus it was too much online gaming and pretty useless single-player gaming (on PC, in consoles it just wasn't Battlefield at all), and since I don't feel like futuristic battlefield I never tried the 2142 or whatever the date was. I love Halo. My favorite console will be the Xbox (classic and 360 of course) forever because it rocks! I really don't dig the PS, specially with an endless series of games called Final Fantasy. I tried one of those games a long time ago and I didn't like it. But many people dig it so I guess it was like Pokemon for the gameboy or Zelda for the Nintendo. I loved Nintendo too, until they started inventing these new handhelds (ever since the GB Advanced SP or whatever) and until they developed the Gamecube, that system was just unappealing to me, with the minidiscs and all. The Wii...well, a friend of mine bought the Wii, had it for a week and enjoyed a lot the preset games, one day I went to visit with some other friends -I had never even seen the Wii in real life before, its size was dissapointing- and we had a bowling tournament: I won second place, and the first place was won by another n00b...So I really don't like the Wii, those guys just don't know what to do to save their skins -I'm entitled to my own opinion and that is my own personal opinion.
Just to wrap up videogame part, my fave games are both KOTORs, all three Halos, Battlefield Vietnam, GTA series starting with GTA III (I love the freedom GTA gives you), Max Payne (1 and 2), and Mass Effect.
My tastes on movies are...well, weird. I love to have fun, but not any fun. I also love sci-fi, but not any sci-fi. I enjoy some terror, but not any terror. I think that I like movies that make you think, you know? Like Matrix (the only turnoff in Matrix was that Trinity took forever to die) or V for Vendetta. But my all-time favorites are Star Wars original trilogy. The new trilogy was OK, but it was not Star Wars. The story was fine, but the acting wasn't that good and the movies lacked that action and that humor that made Star Wars what it was. Another favorite is Kung Pow!!! A movie can't get any funnier -or stupider- than Kung Pow. With Betty, Mushufasa, the one boob chick (Whoah -hahahahahaha!), and The Chosen One (Chosimbaone), oh, and Ling!(wiuwiii!)
Oh, another great movie: Eurotrip. I never saw Roadtrip, but Eurotrip, I've seen it dozens of times!
But enough for the movies. Ummm...what next?
Clothing, I'd rather get to that later on in my transformation. As for my male side, I'm really casual: some jeans, a t-shirt and a long-sleeve shirt worn loose, with a cap and some aviator glasses. That's my style. I' don't like people seeing my eyes and I don't want people noticing how long my hair really is.
As for cars, between Mercedes and BMW, I'd rather have a BMW. Don't know why, I don't like Mercedes that much. But my favorite car is a Toyota. The Celica. I love that car. I also loved the older Honda Civic, although the new one is pretty cool too, but it lacks that classic tough look.
My favorite food. Got me! I dunno...Oh! Taco Bell! I love Taco Bell, every visit to the states involves serious eating at Taco Bell! But I guess thats it for me, fast food!...I'm pretty simple, give me something easy to eat that tastes good and I'm happy.
My favorite color(s) are blue, white, gray, and black. Blue is my all-time favorite. White, gray, and black are like a symbol, to show that everything has different perspectives and different shades. I am the most adequate example I know. After life itself, of course.
My beliefs...hmmmm...touchy subject, isn't it?
I was raised Catholic, however I have my own beliefs. I've tried to explain the universe, and have found the Star Wars religion very adequate to explain everything to simple minds. "The Force" is real. Its like what 'Mass Effect' is for the game itself. That explains magic, psychic abilities, how everything is tied up (ecosystems are good examples of these ties). It explains a sixth sense. Intuition if you want. And no, we are not alone in the universe. I believe that aliens came here in the past, several times, and they are among us, and they will come in the future too. I know conspiracies to be true (not all of them of course), which means that I know that the world isn't f*cked up by chance. I believe in God (which is "The Force" itself). I believe in an afterlife. I believe in the soul. I understand that our body (including our brain) is a tool, like a car. I believe in a sort of Karma, yet I haven't gotten around to really explaining how it works. And I believe in sex.
...I believe in happiness.
I'm a philosopher of sorts. A truth-seeker.
I will only be happy doing what I love, and finding out who and what I am. Nothing else really matters, think about it. You can't expect others to understand you if you can't understand yourself.
You can't expect others to really love you, if you can't love yourself.
Thats something I've found out on my own: If you are looking for someone special, odds are you won't find him/her, and just when you are not looking, he/she will find you.
Happened to me. Twice. And its happening to me a third time...kinda.
And I think I'm running dry here...
Oh yeah, another thing I like to do is drive. I love my manual car. I love revving it, I love burning tires, I love to drift. I love to scare old ladies and drivers in general. I like to see how fast I can go on fourth gear before shifting (it goes really fast for what it is, a 1.6 Chevrolet/Opel Corsa, on fourth gear can achieve 140-160 kmh at 4000-5000revs. approx). But I'm not a reckless driver, In fact I drive very responsibly! My car is scratchless even though all the stunts I have done, except once that I was driving in reverse, it wasn't a stunt, I was just going into a hiding place with my girlfriend to have some fun in the car-if you get my meaning. So I was going in reverse and I was really close to like a low wall and she got nervous and started screaming that I was going to crash, so to stop her whining I tried to get away from it, but I turned the wheel the wrong way so I made a little scratch on my car...What?? It was her fault!! I told my parents that it had been a moron in a public parking lot.
But that's the only thing, I swear!
Today I made a drifting 180°. It was awesome! An old lady just kept staring at me!
But its about time I end this post, cus I'm rambling on with nonsense again...
Oh, BTW, I'm a Libra. Maybe that explains a lot. Usually men ask me what my zodiac sign is so I go "Libra" and they go like: oooooohhhhhh, that explains it!
Kinda pisses me off cus they never tell you what it explains! And they say it like: now I understand why you piss me off so much!
But okay, I'll end this before I start it!
So goodbye and have a good time! Thats what were here for!
Seeya!

A little about myself...(actually a lot hehe :) )

Hi there!
Well today's -tonight's- post won't be long, I'll try to use as few words as I can to try to describe myself. -Knowing me, this will be really long hehe.
Okay so -its always tough to start talking, but afterwards there's just no stopping- ummm, well. At the moment I am a man. An eighteen year old dude that still doesn't know what to do with his life but has finally figured some stuff out. Mostly by myself, I'm accustomed to being alone since I've never been the social kind much less the hot-shot kind of person. Since I was very little I've liked to try some of my mom's clothes.
I've always been on my own, figuring stuff out without much help. Figuring out only what I wanted to figure out, hardly ever what my parents or anyone else wanted me to. So when I was a bit older, I discovered sex on my own. I found out how to masturbate on my own -yeah I know, its terrible, but hey! I'm not the only one and you know it- and little time later, overhearing a conversation, I found out that I had made it the right way. I felt so proud!
Anyway, I really liked this sex thing so I started investigating it, so I went through sex manuals, stories, some porn -still not the only one- (I really enjoyed lesbian porn, I always wanted to be one of the girls, never imagined I'd probably end up being a lesbian myself!). I even investigated about sex toys and stuff like that.
I still was kinda anti-social, sure I had my friends, but I felt insecure with new people or with "cool" people, and I still feel uncomfortable amongst crowds. I think its because I'm a girl, and even though I grew up like a man, I still don't know how to live like one. But at the time I still never had a girlfriend, and I really wasn't even close to having one until I was about 15 I think. Suddenly this girl pops in my messenger and we started chatting, I was really inmature and she enjoyed it, so we kept talking day after day. Soon we started liking each other even though we had never met each other in person. It was a weird relationship. She was younger than me. And she did me so wrong, its embarassing for me to tell the whole tale. But whatever, the important part was that at the age of 16 I had finally gotten laid. I was the first one of my friends to get laid. But she and I had many problems, and we broke up many times. When we were going to get back together for good, some little black friend of hers was hitting on her (I have nothing against black people, its just that it was his nickname 'el negro') and she kinda liked that, so it was kinda troubled. We were gonna get back together in this sweet 15 whatever year party but it went bad, real bad-I'll try to tell that story in my next post cus I loooove telling it- but I met this new girl, she helped me forget about my ex and we have been together ever since. Trouble with my ex didn't stop there but thats another story.
With my new girlfriend everything's gone great, except for the fact that we broke up not long ago because I found out that I wasn't sure about anything! And I'd rather not be with the girl I love instead of giving her something that wasn't the real me. I know she loves me back, but she isn't ready yet.
Yes, we had sex. Yes, it was great.
So that has been my love life. I've tried to be with some guys but I think I'm not that much into guys. Specially after the many setdowns I've had with them. You know, a lot of guys are dicks, specially when you are looking for guys that are into transgendered people. Most of the guys I've met are really empty-minded, and 90% of them are just in for quick sex.
I believe that when you look for a pre-op transsexual, you are looking for her penis even though you want to be the one on top. But there was this one guy that wanted me to hide it all...I mean...Gee, find yourself a real woman!
Its really depressing. I'm already lonely, I don't need these sex-starved bastards on me!
Well, I'm not completely lonely. I have a girl friend that finds it cool and interesting to have a transgendered friend. But I can't talk about this all the time. She's my friend, not my psychiatrist. We like to have fun, not express how we feel every second of our lives. Plus I can't always be femenine, even with her.
-I just found out that there are 2 guys in my trans msn messenger account to whom I can talk normally...well apparently I can. I just realized right now. But who knows, odds are in three days at least one of them will want to get a room with me.-
But well, thats me.
I've collected some lingerie over the time -I've bought it myself, it was so embarassing but yet so fun!- and I'm starting to by 'real' clothes -you know, to go out as a girl- but those are more difficult to buy -money- and to hide -cus nobody (only that friend) knows about me, I'll cover that in another future post.
I've also bought some makeup, but so far I suck at applying it hehe. But it just takes some practice, doesn't it?
Once a guy told me that he had waited a long time to find me -a transvestite- and that he had bought several wigs for that person -which would be me. But I don't intend to use wigs, so I'm letting my hair grow. It is fairly long now.
I'd love to post some pics, but I really want to look and have that femenine feel, you know?
I have this little secret...I watch some shemale porn. Not for the porn -at least not always (I dig shemales too...I dig anything femenine, I think -Yes!I know I'm weird!...but I've seen worse) but to see the real femenine ones, the really beautiful and passable ones, to try and figure out-on my own-how they made it. I've fallen in love with Bianca Freire, and I want to be like her. She's the type of transgender that you would never know until you saw her naked. And thats how I want to be. Beautiful of face (face is the most important thing for me) and a gorgeous body, and a voice that won't give her away (at least from what I've heard of her voice).
But this is getting too long, so I'll have to finish this in another post!
Haha! Its three posts that I've promised so far! But don't worry, when I do something I really like, I deliver!
So, see you soon! And thanks for reading me!

Hello there, I'm Cristina

Well, I hope to be!
I also hope to reach out through this blog and be heard.
I'm not an 'official transgender' yet.
I'm still in this phase of exploring my femenine side, but I am 100% convinced that I am a girl! But since I'm just 18 and live in a country that ceased being great some time ago, well, its tougher than it should be.
I only have a girl friend that knows my truth, so it is a really lonely and hard life for me, trying to be a man that I am not, without having that freedom that biological women and transsexuals enjoy.

I know that I am not alone and thats why I'm reaching out right now to anyone that might find something worthy in my thoughts. In my differences. In my uniqueness.

I want to find friends that will make this journey easier for me, and friends that might need some help too.

I'm a really kind and sincere person and thats why I thank you for reading this, if you believe in our fight. In my fight.
And I also beg you, if you don't approve of us, just let us be. I will not bash you. I respect you and your opinion, even though I don't share it, so please it wont harm you to do the same.

Once again thank you for bearing with me and for supporting me. Don't worry if you feel you don't know me yet. In my next post I'll more properly introduce myself and you'll see how charming I can be. ;)
See ya!